Going Loopy in LA

‘What’s the fuss?’ I demanded stepping forward.

‘It’s him!’ John gestured towards the cowering figure of John. ‘It’s that bastard!’

‘Yes,’ I said coming to the slow realisation that Todd is doing the gesturing with a gun in his hand. A very big gun. It’s an odd thing to see a gun in real life, being swung about that is. It looks false, you start thinking the whole thing is a movie but maybe that’s just ‘cos I’m a Brit.

‘He screwed me the other night and now he doesn’t even want to know me,’ howled Todd.

‘Well, what did you expect?’ I said struck by the complaint. ‘Everybody knows what he’s like.’

‘I’m going to fix him!’

‘What? By shooting him? That won’t fix him will it?’

‘It will for me!’

‘No, no, no,’ I said. ‘You can’t go shooting John just for being John. Anyway, the cleaners don’t come in till Sunday and I’m not cleaning up all that mess.’

‘I’m not kidding Nick,’ said Todd and he didn’t look as if he was, he was bone white and shaking. I thought of letting him get on with it. I mean after all I like John but I wouldn’t really notice if he wasn’t there and the size of the gun Todd was brandishing would practically blow John in half so it would be relatively painless. I remembered I was British in front of all these Americans.

‘Now Todd,’ I said stepping right up to him. ‘I really can’t let you go shooting John.’

‘It’s nothing to do with you Nick, you just stay out of the way.’

‘No can do,’ I said. ‘I’m the manager here and it’s my responsibility.’ I gestured around the gym at all the frightened faces. ‘Look, if you go shooting anybody you’ll spend the rest of your life in some horrible little cell probably being abused by some fat, hairy felon, it’s not you Todd.’

‘It’s worth it,’ he shouted at me still trembling, ‘now stand out of my way Nick.’

‘Well, I guess you’ve got a choice to make,’ I said giving him my best smile, ‘you either give me the gun or you get to shoot me with it.’